uncomfortable conversations
‘A person's success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.’ — Tim Ferriss
If you are a future or present student, I wrote this for you.
Let’s cut straight to the exercise.
What apology are you withholding?
Which relationship are you dragging out, afraid to end it cleanly?
What bold proposal have you been kicking down the road?
Which friend needs hard truth that everyone else is too polite to give?
Where are you waiting for someone else to take initiative?
Write a list of at least 10. Have at least one conversation today. Make a plan delivering the others in the next week.
The biggest challenge I face as a coach isn’t inspiring perfection but admission of imperfection.
The problem isn’t when students mess up, but when they hold in their messing up. Messing up is inevitable. Dirt builds unless cleaned up.
Nothing more dangerous to a coaching relationship than a silent build-up of guilt or rebellion.
I try to encourage students to speak up about these things by (1) publicising my own imperfections and (2) applauding them when they admit theirs.
This week I taught a new student a Wudang Tai Ji form. One of the many things that made her a brilliant student was her ability to laugh whenever she messed up the form, releasing the pressure. This contrasts most people, who get frustrated with themselves and cause more tension.
Laughter is one of the strongest medicines.
Delivering Bad News
I currently work professionally with two former students. I love working with them because, due to our work on uncomfortable conversations, they are very quick to deliver no’s.
How much time and energy have you wasted on account of avoiding giving bad news?
Yes, be sensitive when delivering bad news. Don’t be aggressive or point the finger.
But remember that usually the harm done by keeping people in limbo is far greater than the acute pain of delivering bad news.
Decluttering
My coaching has many themes.
Decluttering is the common denominator.
We declutter blockages in the energetic system, mess from the desk, toxicity from the body, mindless tech from the digital diet, excess possessions from the home.
Cleaning up the backlog of uncomfortable conversations is perhaps the most healing, however.
We do internal meditative practice to clean ourselves internally such that the dirt in our external world becomes apparent. We then clean it up.
Unless meditative insight is translated into everyday action, it risks becoming a noble excuse to stay in one’s comfort zone.
During my three-week darkness retreat (pitch-black solitary confinement) two years ago, I unearthed around twenty conversations I’d been sweeping under the rug. As soon as I emerged I had all twenty. It was a deeply healing experience for everyone involved.
