autistic love poetry
In response to questions I received on this article:
This is not written with a specific person in mind
I have exaggerated in a few instances for humour, although — as always — even I’m not sure where the jokes start and end
This is not an instruction manual for anyone I meet to try to change themselves to please me
I think would miss you
If I could miss people.
I believe I would feel emotions towards you
If I had them.
You hold a special place
In my somewhat limited neuroatypical heart.
I want to spend more time with you
Than anyone I've ever met:
Once a fortnight.
Wow, that's a lot.
I want to spend every
Waking second with you
During my designated socialising blocks.
How about this Saturday from 5-8pm?
If it works, we can make it regular
Provided you won't linger and try to
Make me stay up late.
I have my evening and morning routines.
I enjoy our intimate moments so much
That I might one day I could envisage
Sharing a bed together
One night...
Per month...
Provided we have separate duvets...
Agree to silent time in the mornings...
No cuddling or snoozing...
I’ve got my morning practice.
My love for you is vast:
Almost one percent of the love I have
For my routines, practices and obsessions.
You are number one in my life
After all of them.
This sensation I feel in my body
When I am around you...
It is pleasant. I like it.
Is this one of those 'emotions'
Everyone talks about?
Is this love?
I think it feels something like that.
But it is simpler than what I've heard about.
Yes, my autistic love for you is simple.
I feel warmth and care towards you.
I celebrate you inside.
I want you to flourish.
But I don't want to possess you.
I don't fantasise about a life together.
I don't obsess about you.
If you left, I wouldn’t mind.
I enjoy being with you now.
If that changes,
It will change.
And I will be fine with it.
Why the complexity?
I don't understand why
It has to be so complicated,
Why it has to mean something,
Why it has to be going somewhere,
Why I'm supposed to have a plan,
Why the labels and expectations,
Why the necessity for drama and mess.
Is it just me?
I love it when you respond slowly to texts,
Don't think about me all the time,
Cancel on me,
Have other things going on in your life,
Aren’t interested in games —
I don’t understand games —
Are clean and emotionally stable.
I love it when you show me how much
You don’t care about me.
No interest in marriage,
In kids,
In settling, commitment or compromise.
I am in a monogamous marriage with my practice,
With my mission, with the Dharma and Tao.
My love is universal, unattached.
I am father to my students.
I have my mission
And allow no distractions.
If you can support this,
You can be in my life,
But if you can’t,
I can easily let go.
The fact I won't compromise
Doesn't make me love you less.
Please,
Please don't use Western psychology on me.
Don't tell me I'm an avoidant type,
That I have childhood trauma
That my happiness will always be capped
Until I have fallen in romantic love.
Please don't project emotional complexity onto me,
Assuming I am wired like everyone else.
Don’t anthropomorphise me.
Please don't tell me I
Have't met the right person yet -
The one who will crack me -
Or privately wonder whether you will be the one.
I know that telling people
I am uncrackable is a deadly aphrodisiac -
It creates a challenge to attain the unattainable -
But please, don’t try.
You will be disappointed.
And it’s because I don’t want
To cause this disappointment
That I don’t usually get involved.
I'm ok with myself.
I like my way.
I am quite simple, actually.
Innocent.
The Buddha taught detachment.
That's how I feel:
Able to love,
Also able to walk away.
I was a monk
In at least one past life.
I’m not denying myself.
My way feels natural.
I accept your normal human love.
I don't want to change you.
So please, return the favour.
Maybe I'm wired differently.
Maybe autistic love works for me.
If you can accept my limitations -
Perhaps even seeing them as gifts -
Not perceive my autism as coldness
And know that you will never truly capture me,
Then you will have the key to my autistic heart
Once every two weeks or so
In my designated socialising blocks…
Maybe some texting…
But not too frequently…
And don’t expect a quick response.
